Good Omens: The Ineffables Mentees
by Lady-Sparkle-45tt
Summary: Ineffable, it's something that can't be put it into words, in fact it's the one word that describes the indescribable and nothing is more so than an angel and a demon who have fallen for each other. Everyone knows the story of Crowley and Aziraphale, But their mentees Clarity and Deserey have a story of their own.


Yeee! I've been very excited for this one. I wrote the whole first chapter without waiting for Sparkle (sorry...) And then wrote quite a bit of the second chapter before getting distracted by this Guardians of the Galaxy fic I'm working on elsewhere.

But yeah. I'm, like, in love with this version of Dez and Clarity. Hopefully you all are too! Enjoy!

~ Elsie

Current theories on the creation of the universe state that if it were created at all and didn't just start, as it were, unofficially, it came into being about fourteen billion years ago. The earth is generally supposed to be about four and a half billion years old.

These dates are incorrect.

Some medieval scholars put the date of the creation at 3760 BC. Others put creation as far back as 5508 BC.

Also, incorrect.

Archbishop James Ussher claimed that the Heaven and the Earth were created on Sunday, the twenty-first of October, 4004 BC, at nine AM.

This too was incorrect, by almost a quarter of an hour. It was created at 9:13 in the morning. Which was correct.

The whole business with the fossilised dinosaur skeletons was a joke the palaeontologists haven't seen yet. This proves two things. Firstly, God does not play dice with the universe. I play an ineffable game of my devising. For everyone else, it's like playing poker in a pitch dark room, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.

Secondly, Earth is a Libra. The entry for Libra in The Tadfield Advertiser on the night our history begins reads as follows:

"You may be feeling rundown and always in the same daily round. A friend is important to you. You may be vulnerable to an upset stomach, today, so avoid salads. Help can come from an unexpected quarter."

This was perfectly correct on every account, except for the bits about the salad. To understand the true significance of what that means, we need to begin earlier - a little more than six thousand years earlier to be more precise. Just after the beginning.

It starts, as it will end, with a garden. In this case, the Garden of Eden. And with an apple.

I'm sure you've heard some variation of the tale already. Adam and Eve, the first born humans, forbidden to eat from the Tree of Knowledge, only to be corrupted by a demonic snake.

In this instance, the snake's name was Crowley. Or as he was known back then - Crawley. Bright piercing, yellow eyes, dark black and orange scales. He promised Adam and Eve that the tree would give them whatever their hearts desired, and they believed him.

The first of the humans ate a blood red apple from the tree, gaining much more knowledge than what they needed, resulting in their banishment of the Garden. So, the pair shielded their nakedness with clothes made of leaves, leaving with nothing but the flaming sword of an angel and a pregnant belly.

It was a nice day. All the days had been nice. There had been rather more than seven of them so far, and rain hadn't been invented yet. But the storm clouds gathering east of Eden suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way - along with our second angel/demon duo. But first, let's meet the first pair. Crawley and Aziraphale.

Crawley crawled up the brick wall, transforming into a man with bright orange hair and brilliant black feathered wings perched upon his back.

Aziraphale was already waiting for him, his own, though slightly smaller, beautiful white feathers flapping behind him as well. He was dressed all in white, including the hair atop his head.

The two stood forward, both gazing in front of them, watching and waiting for the thunderstorm to come rolling in.

"Well, that went down like a lead balloon," Crawley muttered.

Aziraphale chuckled a moment, before realizing he had misunderstood what the demon had said. He frowned and turned ever so slightly to face him. "Sorry, what was that?"

Crawley turned to face the angel as well, repeating himself. Aziraphale nodded and hastily responded. "Yes, yes it did, rather."

Crawley shrugged. "Bit of an over reaction if you ask me. First offence and everything." He shook his head. "I can't see what's so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway."

Aziraphale looked thoughtful for a moment before responding. "Well, it must be bad..." He paused, realizing he did not know the demon's name.

"Crawley," the demon said.

Azriaphale nodded curtly before continuing his previous thought. "...otherwise you wouldn't have tempted them into it."

Crawley tilted his head to the side with a short shrug of the shoulders. "Oh, they said, 'get up there and make some trouble.'"

"Well, obviously, you're a demon," Azriaphal reasoned. "It's what you do."

Crawley nodded in agreement. "Not very subtle of the Almighty, though. Fruit tree in the middle of a garden with a 'don't touch' sign. I mean, why not put it on the top of a high mountain? Or the moon? Makes you wonder what God's really planning."

Azriaphal shifted uncomfortably. He shook his head at the demon's words, a bit unsettled by them. "Best not to speculate. It's all part of the Great Plan. It's not for us to understand." He paused for a moment, his next words spoken a bit nervously. "It's ineffable."

Crawley glanced over at the angel, frowning with confusion. "The Great Plan is ineffable?"

"Exactly," Azriaphal nodded, not picking up on any sarcasm from the demon. "It is beyond our understanding and incapable of being put into words."

Crawley's next reply was a bit of a non sequitur. "Didn't you have a flaming sword?"

"Uh..." Azriaphal shifted nervously, looking around anxiously. This caused the demon to break out into a huge grin.

Crawley looked the angel up and down, the grin never leaving his face. "You did! It was flaming like anything. What happened to it?"

Azriaphale didn't give a coherent response. Only nervous twitches and mumbling under his breath. Crawley's grin widened. "Lost it already, have you?"

"I gave it away," Azriaphale admitted quietly, not meeting the demon's eyes.

Crawley gasped loudly. He couldn't believe an angel would or even could be capable of doing such a thing. "You what?"

"I gave it away," Azriaphale repeated louder. He turned to face Crawley, a bit annoyed with the demon's dramatic behavior. He hurried on, feeling inclined to defend his actions. "There are vicious animals. It's going to be cold out there. And she's expecting already. And I said, 'here you go. Flaming sword. Don't thank me. And don't let the sun go down on you here.'"

The angel frowned, turning back to the approaching thunderstorm, ignoring the amused looks from the demon next to him. "I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing."

Crawley snorted. "Oh, you're an angel. I don't think you can do the wrong thing."

Azriaphale looked at him, relieved. "Oh, oh, thank - Oh, thank you!" He sighed. "It's been bothering me."

In the distance, the two spotted Adam and Eve being chased by a lion. Though, neither acted to assist the first of humankind. Crawley shrugged and continued their conversation forward, as they watched Adam fend off the lion with the angel's flaming sword. "I've been worrying too. What if I did the right thing with the whole 'eat the apple' business? A demon could get into a lot of trouble for doing the right thing."

He let out a short laugh, as they watched Adam cut down the lion. "It'd be funny if we were both got it wrong, eh? If I did the good thing, and you did the bad one?"

Both chuckled a moment, before Azriaphal came to his senses, vigorously shaking his head. "No! It wouldn't be funny at all!"

"Well..." Crawley shrugged, disagreeing. He thought it would have been hilarious.

In the distance, the thunderstorm was steadily rising. Rain had started to drizzle the slightest bit, promoting Aziraphale to cover Crawley with one of his wings. The grey clouds grew thicker, and lightning struck down several feet away. The wind that came with the storm rustled the sand below, promoting an entirely different storm to brew - a sandstorm. And this is where we meet our second duo: Clarity and Deserey.

Clarity, deriving from the Latin Clarus, ultimately meant 'clear.' Humans would go on to use the word to express understanding of any one concept. Fitting, it would seem, for the angel was a beam of light - quite literally in this case - providing warmth, comfort, and, well, clarity, to all who crossed paths with her.

She formed from the thunderstorm, her body taking shape in a swirl of lightning. She was a beautiful young woman with long, chestnut brown hair, glowing blue eyes, and a small frame. Her wings were electric, like the lightning in the storm clouds, zapping every now and again, though they were not dangerous.

Meanwhile, the name Deserey was french, meaning desired. Another word commonly used to express want or wish. Also fitting, considering two things. First, Deserey liked to play genie, granting whatever wish she heard, tacking whatever twisted spin she wanted on it for the fun of it. This is probably where the entirety of the genie myth came from.

Second, her beauty would be desired and wanted by all men and women throughout the ages to come, either because they wanted to look like her or they wanted to be with her. She often used this to her advantage, corrupting nearly every human who dared ask for a taste of her beauty.

Her physical form came with the second storm, the sandstorm. The sand swirled, as the lightning had, in a tornado like motion, and when it cleared there stood a woman with beautiful dark skin and long dark curls, her eyes the same color as the sand that had created her. Her wings shifted behind her, like the sand under her feet, becoming a sickly dark black. This was Deserey.

Clarity waved at Deserey from where she stood among the storm clouds, a stunning smile forming on her face. "Hello," she said kindly.

Deserey glanced around, confused for a moment before her gaze fell upon the angel once more. "You're talking to me?"

Clarity laughed a bit, nodding her head. "You're the only other one here, silly."

"Odd. Considering I'm a demon and you're an angel but whatever," Deserey shrugged. "I like bending the rules as much as the next monster from hell."

Clarity nodded, a bit nervous about that last comment. She looked around, shielding her eyes from the sand and rain with her hand. "I'm supposed to be meeting an angel called Aziraphale. He's going to be mentoring me."

Deserey gave her a sideways smirk. "Really? That's funny because I'm shadowing a demon named Crawley."

Clarity smiled again. "That's great! Then, we'll be going to the same place, I think. The Garden of Eden. That's where Aziraphale is supposed to be. He'll be the one with the flaming sword."

Deserey grinned back at her deviously, nodding at once. "Yup. That's where I'm told Crawley is. He's the snake."

Clarity pointed to the Garden in the distance. "Let's go meet our mentors!"

The angel and demon flapped their wings simultaneously, and together they closed the distance in a matter of seconds. They landed before Crawley and Azriaphale, who was still shielding the former from the raindrops.

Deserey cooed as soon as she spotted them. She pressed her hands to her cheeks, pointing back and forth at the male duo teasingly. "Awe, isn't that adorable! You two are a thing!"

Azriaphal blinked, confused. "A thing?"

"A thing," Deserey nodded with a smirk.

Crawley rolled his eyes and stepped out into the rain with a huff. "This is not a thing!"

Deserey put her hands on her hips and rolled her own eyes. "Please. Give it half a millennia to develop right, but it's still a thing."

"It's not a thing!" Crawley insisted.

"It is a thing!" Deserey said.

"It is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not! Who are you anyways?" Crawley hissed that last question, his features becoming a tad more scaly as he became more and more irritated by this new comer.

Deserey flapped her wings, the dusty things shifting wildly as she did so. "Deserey, your new mentee."

Crawley nodded curtly as Azriaphal smiled kindly at Clarity, who had been watching all of this quietly, a shy smile of her own on her face. "You must be Clarity then, my mentee."

Clarity nodded eagerly small sparks flying from her fingertips. She awkwardly held her hand out for him to shake the sparks pausing for a moment, and he took it, just as awkwardly. Deserey rolled her eyes at the pair. "Angels are so weird," she commented. "Demons know how to greet each other!" With that, she thrust her hand out, sending a blast of sand to slam right into Crawley's gut, knocking him over.

Deserey laughed maniacally, while the two angels watched with horror. Clarity covered her mouth, letting out a small gasp, and Aziraphale hesitantly approached the male demon. "Are...are you alright?" he asked Crawley.

"That looked like it hurt," Clarity said. She looked at Deserey scoldingly. "Why did you do that? You-you could have hurt him!"

Deserey shrugged unapologetically. "It was funny."

Clarity sighed biting her bottom lip clearly not agreeing with the female demon's answer. She didn't think it was funny at all.

Crawley rose to his feet, seemingly unaffected by his fellow demon's attack, though slightly annoyed. "I've only just met you, and I can already tell you're going to be a huge pain in my ass." He flicked his wrist, causing the rock they were standing on to fling Deserey into the air and send her spiraling for several feet before she gained control and flew back to them.

Azriaphal gave the two demons a stern look once Deserey was back with them. "Will you two stop that? It's impolite!"

"A-and very v-violent." Clarity stuttered out nervously ringing her hands as she eyed Deserey discreetly looking for any bruises that Crawleys attack may have caused but she found none.

Crawley made a face, while Deserey scoffed. "Come on!" they chorused. "It's funny!"

Aziraphale folded his arms with a slight huff. He looked specifically at Crawley. "And don't say that word!"

Crawley pretended not to understand which word he was referring to. "What? Funny?"

"No," Azriaphal shook his head.

"It's?"

"No! You know which word. Stop pretending."

"Oh! Ass." The two demons snickered as the two angels winced slightly at the word.

Azriaphal sighed, exasperated. "Yes, that. Don't say that! It's... It's a bad word."

Deserey looked around, gasping dramatically as though they were sharing some sort of secret with each other. "You mean like shit?"

Clarity whimpered, covering her ears. "Don't say any more!" she begged. Those words were so unnecessary. Not to mention harsh.

"And damn," Crawley went on.

Azriaphal covered his own ears. He started making loud, "la la la la," noises to block them out. Clarity copied her mentor making similar noises just more melodic.

"And fuck," Deserey said raising her voice so the angels could still hear despite their efforts to block out the evil swears.

"And son of a bitch," Crawley said.

"Or just bitch in general," Deserey shrugged.

"No, I mean...son of a bitch that's a big storm," Crawley corrected. He pointed, and the other three followed his finger to where the clouds had thickened. The thunder clapped, vibrating the stones they stood on for a full five minutes, making poor Clarity, who hadn't been expecting it, stumble slightly and fall right on her tush. Deserey rolled her eyes at the clumsy angel and yanked her upright again holding the the angel somewhat steady if only to make sure this damned wind didn't blow her straight off the wall. Deserey's wings probably weighed more than her if she had to guess. The rain fell heavier, promoting the angels and demons to use their wings as umbrellas.

"The first storm of the world, and it's a nasty one," Azriaphal commented as lightning flashed in the sky following the thunder. Clarity nodded in agreement a bit of a smile on her face as she gazed at the sky in wonder. "Yes, but those flashing lights are quite pretty."

Deserey glanced over at the angels noting the awestruck gleam in Clarity's eyes. Deserey forced herself to look away, to gaze at anything but the wonderfilled angel beside her. As a result, She ended up eyeing Aziraphale up and down, frowning when she noticed something was missing. Something Clarity had been very specific about. Deserey decided to voice her thoughts aloud. "Didn't you say he'd have a flaming sword?"

Azriaphal stiffened as Crawley broke into a fit of laughter, which confused the female angel and demon. "He gave it away," he told them, much to Azriaphal's dismay.

Deserey joined Crawley in his fit of laughter, while Clarity just stared at her new mentor with a look of surprise and confusion. Had she heard that right? Azriaphal shifted guiltily, quickly changing the subject again as soon as the opportunity arose. The four beings of light and darkness continued chatting, until it was time to part ways and begin the mentoring.

Then Ineffibles, being a narrative of certain events occurring in the last eleven years of human history, in strict accordance, as shall be shown, with The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch.

{~}

It wasn't a dark and stormy night, but don't let the weather fool you. Just because it's a mild night doesn't mean that the forces of evil aren't abroad. They are. They are everywhere.

But for this specific story, they were specifically in the middle of the woods just outside a nunnery, rising from the dirt of the forest floor dramatically. Two demons - one with ratty hair and eyes the color of gasoline; and another with dark skin and a vacant expression - lurk at the edge of the graveyard.

They are pacing themselves, and can lurk for the rest of the night, if necessary. With still enough sullen menace left for a final burst of lurking dawn.

The ratty haired demon, Hastur, lit a cigarette, his fist ablaze, as the pair of them came to a sudden stop. Waiting. "Bugger this for a lark. They should have been waiting for us."

The other demon, Ligur, nodded in agreement. He gave a distasteful look at the basket he was carrying. "Do you trust them?"

"Nope."

"Good." Ligur scoffed, shifting the basket around a bit in his hand, chuckling lightly. "It'd be a funny old world if demons went around trusting each other." He shook his head again, when the other demon didn't respond. "What d'they call themselves up here these days?"

"Crowley," Hastur responded with a hiss, because by now Crawley had changed his name. "And Dez." Deserey had changed her name as well, shortening it to a much more simpler name.

The two demons' attention were brought ahead of them as they heard Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen playing on a car radio. Crowley and Dez were pulling up to them in Crowley's Bently, Dez's feet hanging out the window. Ligur scowled. "Here they come now, the flash bastards. If you ask me they've been up here too long. Gone native. Enjoying themselves too much."

As Hastur went on to speak ill of his fellow demons, Dez and Crowley jumped out of the car and sauntered over with swagger. "Him wearing sunglasses even when he doesn't need them. Her, dressing like a whore, just asking for trouble."

He silenced himself as Dez and Crowley came into hearing distance. She was dressed in a short skirt that hardly covered her thighs, her crop top revealing much more cleavage than a shirt ought to. On her wrists, sparkly bracelets dangled noisily, and her thick black boots made far too much noise. Her hair was cut much shorter now, shaved on the left side, leaving the right side of her head a mess of frizzy curls that fell just above her shoulder.

Crowley was dressed in an all leather attire. Leather jacket, leather pants, leather boots, even leather socks. And he was, indeed, wearing sunglasses even though it was night time and he didn't need them.

The four demons greeted each other with a wave and a call of, "All hail Satan."

Crowley leaned on a tombstone cooly, eyeing the other male demons with an expression of pure boredom. "Uh, hi, guys. Sorry we're late, but you know how it is on the A40 at Denham. I tried to cut up towards Chorleywood -"

Dez hopped on top of another head stone, a similar expression on her face. "Yeah, plus, neither of us really wanted to be here."

Crowley gave her a stern look, especially when the other two demons glared at her threateningly. "You promised you wouldn't say that!"

Dez shrugged carelessly. She folded one leg over the other, pushing her breasts out a bit so that they were even more noticeable. "You of all demons should know that I never keep my promises."

Crowley rolled his eyes behind his glasses but sighed in defeat. "Alright, fair enough." He turned back to the other two, shrugging in a fake apology.

The ratty haired demon let out a long, exasperated and impatient breath. "Now that we are all here, let us recount the deeds of the day."

Dez rolled her eyes. She really hated this stupid ritually. Such a waste of time! She already knew all the notty deeds she'd done, she didn't need to talk about them to make them legitimate. Then, again, she did love to brag...

"Of course," Crowley nodded. Though from his tone one could tell he wasn't taking any of it seriously either. "Of course. Deeds. Yeah."

Hastur spoke seriously, as if he had enacted the most heinous of crimes."I've tempted a priest. As he walked down the street, he saw all the pretty girls in the sun. I put doubt into his mind. He would have been a saint. Now within a decade we shall have him."

"Yeah," Crowley nodded. "Nice one."

Dez raised an eyebrow at him and snorted. "Really? I think it's kind of a snooze fest." Hastur glared at her dangerously, but of course she went on anyway. "I mean, demons have been corrupting priests for ages. Don't you think it's sort of been there done that? Where is the pizzaz! The originality! Come on, people, I'm dying over here!" She paused to consider her words. "Or I would be if I were human anyway."

Ligur, spoke up next, ignoring Dez's outburst, going on as if she had said nothing. "I have corrupted a politician."

Dez let out a very loud and dramatic yawn at that, promoting another glare from the other demons. She shrugged, and Ligur went on. "I let him think that a tiny bribe wouldn't hurt. Within a year we shall have him."

"Lame," Dez sighed.

Crowley turned to her with a disapproving shake of the head before turning back to Ligur and Hastur. "Alright, you'll like this. I brought down every London area mobile phone network tonight."

Dez smirked at that, letting out a cheer. She high fived her mentor. Hastur and Ligur looked less than pleased though. Hastur looked between them, unimpressed. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Crolwey said. "It wasn't easy -"

"What exactly has that done to secure souls for our master?" Hastur demanded.

"Oh, come on, think about it," Crowley said. "Fifteen million pissed off people who take it out on each other."

Dez nodded in agreement. "Humans can be very violent when prompted. Believe me. I've prompted them a lot. It's hilarious." She laughed.

"It's not exactly...craftsmanship," Ligur said, frowning with distaste.

"The head office don't seem to mind," Crowley shrugged. "They love me down there, guys. Times are changing."

"At least Crowley is thinking outside the box, unlike you two pricks," Dez snapped.

Ligur shot her yet another glare. He shifted the basket in his hands once more, which ruined the intimidation tactics quite a bit. "If you are so clever, little girl, then why don't you tell us what you've accomplished tonight?"

"Kay," Dez said, a bored sigh escaping her mouth. She jumped off her tomb stone seat and approached the men with a suggestive smirk playing at her lips. "I corrupted the nuns of St. Beryl."

Crowley gave her an impressed look. He even stood up right and smirked widely. "Really? All of them? Tonight?"

Dez shrugged. "Okay, I might have over exaggerated a bit. I didn't corrupt all of them tonight, but I did corrupt them all!"

Hastur stared at her suspiciously, clearly not believing a word of it. "How?"

Dez flashed him a mischievous grin, a low chuckle escaping her, as she fiddled with a strand of her hair. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

Ligur and Hastur gave her one last look of annoyance. Crowley sniffled, though Dez couldn't tell if that was because he was moved by her deeds or if that was the coke he'd snorted before coming here making its way back up through his nose. "So...what's up?"

Hastur turned to the basket. "This is." Ligur held the basket higher for Dez and Crowley to see. The two exchanged looks, realizing what must have been inside it. A baby. The Devil's son. The antichrist.

"No," Crowley whispered.

"Yes," Ligur said softly.

"That can't be," Dez breathed out.

"But it is," Hastur hissed. He grinned nastily. Crowley and Dez exchanged uneasy looks with one another.

Crowley shifted, frowning a bit. He looked between Hastur and Ligur, his gaze shifting to the basket for a moment uneasily. "Already?"

Hastur stared at him smugly for a moment. It was always a delight for him when he could bring discomfort to either Crowley or Dez, or even better both of them at one time. "Yes," he confirmed.

Dez and Crowley exchanged another look with each other. Crowley turned back to the other two, still looking a bit uneasy. "And it's up to us to..?"

Ligur and Hastur spoke in unison. Both were beginning to grow impatient. "Yes."

Dez winced slightly. "Jeesh," she murmured. "If I knew this is what we were doing with the nuns, I would have waited another decade to corrupt them."

In response, Ligur thrust the basket towards Crowley, who backed away hesitantly. He eyed the basket like it was filled to the brim with explosives. It wasn't, for what was laying inside the basket was far worse than a bomb. "You know, listen, it..." He stammered for a moment, looking for an excuse not to take it. "This really isn't my scene."

Dez nodded in agreement with him. She had taken to all but hiding behind Crowley, as Ligur persistently held the basket out for them. "Yeah, kids are terrible. Why don't you two take it?"

Ligur and Hastur shared a cocky smirk of their own. The latter grinned at Dez with that smug expression of his. "It's only fair. Seeing as you were the one to corrupt the nuns, according to your very own words."

Dez winced. "Yeah, I did say I did that. Damn my incessant need to boast!"

Ligur turned to taunt Crowley. "Your scene. Your starring role." He thrust the basket at him once more, this time more aggressively and urgently, as if he was tired of carrying it himself. "Take it."

When Crowley and Dez still hesitated, Hastur went on. He sighed in a bored manner, speaking just barely above a whisper. "Like you said, times are changing."

"They come to an end, for a start," Ligur agreed.

"Why me?" Crowley complained. Dez cleared her throat, causing him to glance at her with a shrug of the shoulders. "I mean, why us?"

Hastur smirked once more. Recalling something Crowley had said earlier in their conversation, he decided to turn the tables and throw the phrase back at him. "They love you down there." He nodded to Dez. "And she's your mentee, so she goes wherever you go, does whatever you do."

Crowley scoffed, not appreciating having his own words used against him. He decided not to focus on that, however. Instead, he just shook his head, motioning at Dez. "That's not true. I remember quite a few instances where we were doing very different things... Well, people more like. But still." Dez elbowed him in the ribs for that last comment, shooting a glare at him.

Hastur rolled his eyes at the pair of them, choosing to ignore the bit about their sex lives. It was irrelevant. "And what an opportunity." He nodded at his own partner. "Ligur here would give his right arm to be you tonight." Ligur flashed him an annoyed look at that, but Hastur ignored it.

"Or someone's right arm, anyway," Ligur corrected his partner.

"So...again, why don't you do it?" Dez said. "If you want the job so badly? You already have the basket, and we clearly don't want the job so..." She shrugged. "This meeting is just wasting everyone's time."

"It is not our task," Ligur hissed moodily.

Hastur took out a clip board, holding it out to Dez and Crowley. He pointed to two dotted lines. "Sign here." Crowley sighed, ticking his finger nail on his tooth before dragging it across the paper, flames following his every movement. Dez copied his actions; and after a moment the paper had been signed via the scorch marks from the flames.

Crowley looked at Hastur and Ligur impatiently. He just wanted to get this whole mess over and done with already. "Now what?"

"You will receive your instructions," Hastur told them. He flashed the mentor and mentee another smug grin. "And why so glum? The moment we have been working for all these centuries is at hand."

Dez huffed, moodily taking the basket from Ligur's hand. She dangled it from her finger, frowning distastefully. "Yeah, yeah, yeah," she grumbled. "Try not to enjoy this so much, you pricks."

Ligur smirked as well, ignoring her comment once again. "Our moment of eternal triumph awaits."

"Triumph," Crowley repeated with a slow nod of the head. He was eyeing the basket in Dez's hands uneasily.

"And you," Hastur said, "will be tools of that glorious destiny."

Dez rolled her eyes. "Please," she said. "The only tools here are you two."

"You should be more grateful for your role," Ligur snapped. "This is a high calling for even proper demons, never mind moronic mentees."

Dez glared at him. She opened her mouth to throw an insult back at him, but before she could Crowley spoke up, nodding hastily. "Glorious tools. Yeah. Okay. We'll...be off, then. Get it over with." He winced, realizing his words might've been taken the wrong way, and he couldn't take any chances of that, so he barreled on awkwardly. "No, I want to get it over with, obviously, but we'll be popping along." He nodded curtly at Dez, signaling her to start moving. "Great. Fine. Yeah."

"Smooth," Dez snorted, as the pair started back towards the car.

"Shut it," Crowley told her. He took the basket from her, swinging it rather harshly, considering what was inside it. Over his shoulder, he called out, "Ciao!"

Dez heard Ligur and Hastur talking as she walked, and she couldn't stop herself from giggling uncontrollably at their stupidity.

"What's that mean?" Ligur asked.

"It's Italian. It means ''food," Hastur explained incorrectly. They really needed to get out of Hell more often.

Crowley and Dez were all in favor of the Armageddon in general terms. But it was one thing to work to bring it about, and quite another for it to actually happen. So, as they sped away from their fellow demons, Dez was banging her head against the dashboard, while Crowley viciously slammed his hands on the steering wheel, repeatedly saying, "Shit, shit, shit, shit!"

The basket lay in the back seat, perfectly untouched and perfectly silent, much to the two demons' relief. Dez groaned, kicking at the floorboard childishly. "This isn't fair!" she shouted. "I wanted to do so many things before the end of the world! So many teenagers I wanted to convince to get pregnant and drop out of high school! So many people I was going to turn homosexual!"

Crowley made a face and glanced over at her. "Neither of those are actually sins." He frowned. "Are they?"

Dez shrugged. "I don't know. Can't remember, but the humans sure think they are."

Crowley shrugged, but he let the subject drop. They had far more important things to worry about at the moment. The two demons fell silent for a moment, listening to the radio DJ ramble on about Queen. After a moment, Crowley sighed. "Why did it have to be us?"

The radio DJ's voice suddenly shifted into a deep, eerie one. One that both Dez and Crowley were very familiar with by now. It was the voice of Satan himself. "Because you earned it, Crowley, didn't you? You and your little mentee. Dez is it?" Dez shivered when he said her name. "What you two did to the M25 was a stroke of demonic genius, darling."

Crowley sighed. He did his best to keep his cool demeanor in front of his boss, or at least the voice of his boss. "M25. Yeah, well...Yeah, I'm glad it went down so well."

"Here are your instructions," Satan hissed through the radio's speakers. "This is the big one, Crowley, Dez." As music began playing once more, thick grey smoke began blurring Crowley and Dez's vision. Thankfully, demons could still drive, even when they were blinded, so there was no need to worry about crashing. Though, Crowley did swerve a bit, causing the basket to slide across the backseat, prompting the baby laying inside of it to whine a bit. The smoke was filling their heads with information, and by the time it had cleared the two demons knew exactly what to do.

{~}

Meanwhile, across town at a little sushi shop, our angels had gathered. Aziraphal smiled happily as the chief passed him his dish, speaking Japanese as he did so. The angel thanked him, speaking the same language.

Clarity smiled herself, as the chief turned to her, passing a bowl of ramen to her. She thanked him, taking the bowl from him, her eyes glowing even brighter as she grew happier, slurping the soup. The lighting in the shop even seemed to brighten to match her smile.

The two angels were so caught up in their giddiness for human food that they hardly noticed the flash outside the window next to them. In fact, neither paid it any mind until a fellow angel dressed in a grey tux stepped into the restaurant with a disapproving frown upon his face. He walked up to the pair of them. "Mind if I join you?"

Clarity jumped in surprise, tumbling out of her chair hitting the floor, almost dropping her spoon on the way down. Azriaphal's eyes widened for a moment, turning to face the newcomer before he directed his attention back to his mentee.

"Good heavens! Are you alright, Clarity?" Aziraphale asked her in concern offering her his hand.

"Yes, sorry, thanks Azzy." Clarity smiled taking his hand settling back into her chair. With Clarity now seated once again her directed his attention to the other male angel in the shop.

He flashed him a polite smile. "Gabriel! What an unexpected pleasure." He glanced over at Clarity, who smiled as well. "It's been..."

"Quite a while," Gabriel nodded. "Yes." He looked over the food his fellow angels were eating, pointing at it with concern. "Why do you consume that? Your angels."

"It's good," Clarity told him. She held up an extra spoon for him to take. "Here, you can try it if you want."

Gabriel eyed the spoon apprehensively. "Hm. No...thank you." He said it in such a manner that would suggest that eating the food was wrong.

Clarity tilted her head to the side, pouting, a bit upset that he disliked one of her favorite foods that the humans had to offer. "Are you sure?"

Gabriel nodded, looking thoroughly disgusted. Azriaphal glanced back at him, looking a bit upset at the other angel's attitude as well. "It's sushi and ramen," he told Gabriel. "It's nice." He gestured at his sushi. "You dip it in soy sauce."

Clarity nodded, gesturing at her bowl of ramen. "And you can eat this with a spoon or a fork or chopsticks, too," she added, but scrunched her nose slightly at the mention of the chopsticks. "I'm still not quite good at chopsticks, but i'll master them soon."

"It's what humans do," Azriaphal said. "And if we are going to be living among them, ahem, well, keeping up appearances." It wasn't in angel nature to tell someone off for insulting an interest of theirs, but rational arguments was close enough as far as Azriaphal and Clarity were concerned.

Clarity poured herself a cup of tea, taking a sip before giving Gabriel a small shy smile. "Maybe you'd like the tea?"

"Oh, yes. The tea is lovely," Azriaphal agreed. He held a cup up to Gabriel. "Tea?"

Gabriel just eyed the pair of them, a vacant expression on his face. "I do not sully the temple of my celestial body with gross matter."

Clarity looked down, placing her cup in front of her. She was a little hurt that Gabriel wouldn't even so much as give the food a chance. Azriaphal frowned, but he pretended not to be offended. "Obviously not...Nice suit."

Gabriel nodded, glancing over himself proudly. "Yes, I like the clothes."

Clarity smiled again. This was common ground for them at least. "I love the clothes!" She spun in her chair giddily, showing off her outfit - a white blouse with puffy short sleeves, a blue and purple poofy skirt with a lace trim, sparkly blue tights, and glittery purple heels. The angel was accessorised well, too, with a bow tie that matched her skirt and fingerless white gloves with bows on the back.. Her chestnut hair was done up in an elegant bow her curls draining her face as they cascaded down her back. She had found this look years ago but she had loved it so much that she stuck with it.

Azriaphal was still dressed in his white suit and bow tie that matched his hair, but he looked comfortable nonetheless.

Gabriel nodded at Clarity's enthusiasm, only to ruin it with pessimism a moment later. "Pity they won't be around much longer."

"They won't?" Azriaphal asked. He shared a concerned look with Clarity. Neither of them wanted to see the humans go. They loved living among the creatures, interacting with them on a daily basis. The humans were such vibrant and beautiful beings. It seemed much too soon for their demise.

"We have reliable information that things...are afoot," Gabriel explained vaguely.

"They are?" Azriaphal said.

"Yes," Gabriel nodded.

Clarity covered her mouth with her hand. "Oh no..." She looked at her mentor a bit frightened before looking back at Gabriel. "It's so soon!"

Gabriel nodded again. "My informant suggests that the demon...Crowley and his mentee Dez may be involved."

Clarity and Azriaphal exchanged looks again. To Gabriel it would appear they were worried that the two demons would cause more chaos than they could handle, but in actuality the two angels had been conversing with the demons for centuries now, and they knew that neither Dez nor Crowley were very eager to hurry along the end of the world either. They had too much fun wrecking havoc.

"You need to keep them under observation," Gabriel said, unaware of any interactions the two angels before him have had with the two demons, "without, of course, letting them know that's what you're doing."

Clarity returned her gaze to her ramen, stuffing a spoon full in her mouth, not meeting Gabriel's eyes. Azriaphal nodded, stuttering a bit awkwardly as he spoke. "I do know, yes. We've been on Earth doing this since the beginning."

"So have Crowley and Dez," Gabriel reminded him. "It's a miracle they haven't spotted you yet."

Azriaphal and Clarity shared a nervous laughter, each looking up at Gabriel with guilty expressions. Gabriel did not pick up on that, however. Instead, he gave a laugh of his own. "Yes, I know, miracles are what we do."

With that, he walked away, leaving Clarity and Azriaphal to share one final look of unease. "Oh boy," Azriaphal sighed.

Clarity nodded in agreement. She twirled her ramen around, biting her lower lip nervously. "What are we going to do?"

Azriaphal fiddled with his sushi. "Well, I suppose we'll just have to do what we're told..." Clarity nodded again slowly. After a moment, the two angels began eating their meals again, though this time much more meekly than before, and when they had finished they headed out to prepare for their task.

—

Okay so that was chapter 1 of our good omens story. To be honest Elsie wrote most of this one but I did add in Clarity's outfit and did the cover so I did do some stuff as well. Anywho I hope you liked it, this version of Clarity and Dez are pretty awesome in my opinion. So uh, if you've read any of our other stories this is probably the moment you've been waiting for...the questions!

0\. What did you think of Angel Clarity and Demon Dez?

1\. What do you think of Clarity's outfit?

2\. How do you think Clarity and Dez will fit into the story of Good Omens from this point on?

3\. What do you think is going to happen next chapter?

4\. What episode are you most excited for us to cover?

5\. What's your favorite thing about good omens?

6\. Who is your favorite Good Omens character?

7\. Anything else you'd like to ask, rant or tell us!


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